Monday 28 February 2011

Once upon a time in Blackburn!


Gua baru jer turun ke Blackburn Rovers Stadium time Blackburn kalah ngan Aston Villa itu hari. Basically ini lahh rupe stadium Blackburn!


Ini kemungkinan gambar time dorang menang English Premier League (EPL)kott. Gua nak carik information punn malas. Lu orang nak tahuu, lu orang carik sendiri. Kalau usha kat gambar nih, time nih Alan Shearer still main untuk club nih. So, maknenyee dah lamee gilee lahh since dorang menang Premier League. Oritee
 
Ini bukann coach, manager, atau player terbaikk alrite? Die nih ade lahh greatest supporter Blackburn Rovers! Gua tak tahuuu cmne dorang boleh letak statue greatest supporter kat sini. Ape yang menyebabkan die jadi greatest supporter punn gua tak tahuu. Gua assume, die terlampauu fanatik. Time game rovers, lari2 tengah padang sambil bogel. Pastu suddenly mati tengah2 padang. Hahaha



Pemandangan stadium dari dalam hutann! Haha Kitorang panjat bukit kat belakang stadium untuk snap gambar. Haha Nak bayar untuk masuk rase tak worth it lakk kann. Rovers dah kalahh terukk ngn Aston Villa. Kalau Emirates Stadium mungkin lahh kot gua masuk....walaupunn kalah Carling Cup. Ouchh!

Gua rase minggu nih memang minggu untuk team2 dari belah2 Birmingham menang lahh. Birmingham 2-1 Arsenal, Aston Villa 4-1 Blackburn!


Now, kitorang kat masjid tauheedul something! Haha Tauheedul Islam kot. It's said to be masjid mazhab shafi'e. For your information, Blackburn nih terlampauu banyakk orang islam! Sebab this part of Blackburn, banyakk india, pakistan dan sanak saudara mereka! 

Terlampauu banyakk sampai even dorang boleh azan dengar kat luar masjid. Which is kat tempat lain kat UK nih memang takde lahh kannn. Kalau kat tempat lain, lu nak tauu waktu solat dah masuk ke belum, lu dengar loceng jer! Itupunn kalau lu nak solat ikut time gereja lahh! Haha


Pemandangan pintu masuk ke masjid. Yang tadi kat atas tuh gambar pintu belakang! Hehe


Masjid die besar gilee. 3 tingkat. Kelas ade banyakkk gilee kat belah atas.




Statue kat tengah2 bandar. Actually tak tahuuu ape motif nyerrr! Jadi, amik jer gambar. Hehe Ohh, cube close-up, nanti lu orang nampak kat tangan budak tuh actually ade kondom! Tapi bukan mamat dalam gambar nih yang sarungkann! Hahaha 

And, baru jer tadi, gua mengenakann haircutt! Tapi seriously haircut kat sini tak best! Cam gampannng! Jadi, gua takmau tunjukkk gambar gua yang burukkk! Hahaha Dah lahh mahal. 6pound beb! Convert duit Msia RM29.77 beb! Kalau kat Msia, gua dah boleh 9 kali potong rambut dahhh! Duuuuh

Gua ingat, gua nak alter balik ah rambut gua nih! Buat cam time part 2 kat UiTM dlu okayy gakk. Lu orang nak tengokk rambut gua time kat UiTM dlu?? 



Damn wicked! Isn't it?

Thank you for reading,
Cheers

Wednesday 23 February 2011

Adult Jokes! (1)

Semalam gua ade post satu 18sx jokes. Tapi lepas tuh gua jmpe kat comment ade sorang reader question kat gua

Comment
Hahaha macam korang tak boleh tengok jer post aku yang lepas nak tengok sape yang tulis question tuh. Haha Sajer jer buat gempakk sket! Hahahaha

Jadi, gua amik semangat dari soalan tuh harinih untuk bawak dua lagi adult jokess. Alright? Enjoy

**********

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day.

So, about a half an hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is!

"The blind man," a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says in gobsmack,
"Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

**********

Maria gets married and has 15 children........And then, her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later...and has 19 children by her second husband......And then later on, she dies.
At her wake, Maria's neighbour look tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the sky, and says,

"At last........they're finally together."
A man next to the neighbour ask,

"Excuse me, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"
"No!!" the neighbour says politely.

"I mean her LEGS."

**********

Thank you for reading!
Cheers

Tuesday 22 February 2011

Adult Jokes!

Yokk, kita layann jokes2 santai. Kalau tiap hari dok layann bende serious jer, mauu pecah jugakk kepale kann! Alright, jadi jokes gua harinih gua dapat dari Adult jokes! Budak2 umor 16 tahun ke bawah (UK) dan 18 tahunnn ke bawah (Malaysia), sila tekann button X kat belah atas kanann okayy? Hehe

**********

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the drawer" She replied

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" He inquired nervously

"No, silly!!" She replied, snuggling up to him

"Your boyfriend then?" He asked

"No, not at all" She said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, 

"That was me before the operation."


Ingatkann perempuann betul, rupe2nye.......


Who the heck is this? This obviously not me!! Nooo!
**********

Thank you for reading,

Cheers

Sunday 20 February 2011

Disbelievers!

Assalamualaikum. Hehe

Seperti yang dijanjikann kat fb harituh. Gua harinih nak story sket pasal member gua yang islam atheist. Haaa, lu jangan tak percaye. Lu ingat takde ke. Cerita pasal bende alah nih start jumaat harituhhh. JengJengJeng.

Gua time tuh baru lepas kelas. Pastu ade member gua ajak gua datang umah die. Gua punn, okay jer lahh. Then lepas kelas, gua pegi umah member gua nih! Dari pengetahuan gua, die nih memang islam. Tapi gua tahuuu jugakk yang die nih islam tak bape nak islam sangat. Islam stended kaburator modified budak2 muda kat Msia jugakk lah. Jenis semayang kadang2, minum arak, main pompuann, tahik judi dan macam2 lagi lahh!

Gua punn tak bape nak herann sangat lahh kalau masuk umah die wine kemain banyakk lagi kannn.

Tapi since last week gua tengok mamat nih dah lain macam. Time tuh gua tengah dok ajar budak2 pakistan, india subjek akaun kat library. Then die ade skali. Macha2 nih pulakk time tengah study sebok gebang nak cite pasal islam. Cite pasal riba'. Then gua tengok, pandangan member gua nih lain macam sket pasal riba'. Gua pikir time tuh, samade lu memang bangang, tatau ape effect riba kat consumer atau lu memang bangang murakab! Haha

Then jumaat harituh, time tengah makan2 kat umah die, kitorang punn borak pasal masakann india, pakistan, cina, arab dsb. Lepas tuh, tah macamane boleh masuk ke topik manusia. Cerita pasal kaum2 kat dunia nih. Sampai satu point nih, gua cakap, kaum2 yang ade kat dunia nih skang sume berkembang dari nabi adam!

"Lu percaye adam manusia yang first ke beb?" Tetibe member gua tuh tanye.

"Haah, apehal??" Gua tanye balik.

"Gua tak percaye lahh sume bullshit nih" Member gua jawab balik.

"Then, lu caye ape? dalam quran kann ade cite sume tuh!" Sampuk gua!

"Gua rase, mesti ade lagi orang yang hidup sebelum Adam" Luah member gua.

"Alright, skang lu kasi tahuuu gua, cmne orang yang first skali wujud. Let say lu nak cakap nabi adam bukann yang first" Gua try menduga. Hehe

"Gua rase, manusia nih asal dari angin, tanah, air, dan api" Jawab die.

"Bullshitt! Cube lu amik angin, tanah, air, api. Lu buat orang skang. Jadi takk?" Gua tanye.

Then die terus senyap. Die ubah cite lain. Tapi sebab curiosity gua yang sangat mencanakk2 time tuh gua tanye lahh balik "Asal lu tak caye nabi adam yang first dohh? Lu tak caye quran ke beb?"

Selamber jer die cakap "Takkk, aku rase Muhamad yang buat quran tuh"

"Kepale banaaa luuu. Lu tahuu tak nabi tuh ummi(tak tahuu membaca + tak tahuu menulis), cmne die nak buat quran?? tak logik kott" Gua test power lagi.

"Lu tahuuu kann, muhamad tuh dlu bela kambing. Pastu ade orang datang kat die, pastu muhamad suruh tulis quran. Maknenye, quran nih idea muhamad. Bukan dari tuhann" Jawab member gua. Gua taktahuuu ape related nye bela kambing ngn orang datang nak tolong tuliskann quran. Tapi gua malas nak question.

Gua pikir time tuh, lu nih dah tingtong ke tanik ke ape? Cakap tak pakai otak. Tapi gua malas nak beta2 lagi. So, gua biar jer. Tapi gua keep tanye few question kat die. Kalau gua nak tulis dalam bentuk dialog, mauuu berhari2 tak habis. Sebab gua bincang ngn die punn 4 jam harituh.

Antara few statement2 die dari beberapa soalan yang gua tanye, die cakap orang islam kalau nak mabukk ke, nak buat ape bende punn biarlahh. Islam tuh patutnye cukup lahh dengann sembahyang jer! Gua pikir2, ehhh ini dah macam islam sekular dah nih, tempias islam UMNGOKK gamakknye! Jadi gua korek2 lahh lagi cerita2 die.

Die cakap, die tinggal kat ukhdud (sila rujuk surah al-buruj ayat ke 4-9 atau google). Gua tak paham ape mesej yang die cube convey sbnrnye. Haha Yang gua nak highlight skang nih adelah, die tak percaya kat quran, tapi still refer kat qurann! Agak confusing kannn? 

Few things yang gua ingat, die tak percaya akhirat dan die tak percaya tuhann. Gua ade jugakk try relate story kelahiran nabi Muhamad dengan agama lain iaitu yahudi. Gua cerita lahh pasal pendita yahudi punnn tahuu pasal kelahiran nabi Muhamad. Dengan harapan, die sedar lahh yang islam nih bukann agama yang dibuat2 oleh manusia. Tapi agama yang betul macam agama2 samawi yang lainnn.

"Please don't relate anything to any religion. I don't give a shit about them" Simple jer die jawab.

Then die cakap lagi yang nabi Muhamad tuh hidup bape ratus ribuu tahuunn yang lepas. Skang nih kite hidup kat 21st century. Kenape dorang still nak potong2 tangan orang mencuri (hudud), nak kene pakai hijab, and so on! Tambah die lagi, "kalau Muhamad dlu nak hidup camtuh, sukati die lahh. Skang nih zaman lain, bende2 macam tuh patut sume dah takde"

Dalam die bangkang2 punnn, gua sempat kuarkan banyakkk dalil dari qurannn. Die impress sebab gua ingatt banyakk + tahuuu banyakk surah2 dalam qurann + pronounciation arab gua persis cam orang arab. Tapi lu orang nak tahuuu die cakap ape?

"Kenape lu ingat sumeeee nih? waste of time jer!" Terkedu gakk gua sekejap!

Tapi walaupunnn die macam tuh, gua rase gua tak bolehh lahh nak terus cop die sebagai orang yang tak baik, terus tak boleh bergaul ngn die. Gua tertarik nak quote status facebook member gua, Asyraf Asyari Maruzuki. Gua letak gambar sket ehh cap? Haha


"Sebahagian golongan sibuk bercerita tentang ukhuwah dan usrah tapi hanya berada di kelompok mereka sahaja. Lalu memandang masyarakat di luar kelompok mereka sebagai kurang baik tanpa menyertai masyarakat itu"

Kita sedarr takk, bape ramai lagi remaja2 Melayu Islam yang ade penyakit same cam member arab gua nih? Dalam sedar tak sedar, kita perlu sebenarnye join orang2 camnihh! Gua kalau ikutkann, memang gua nak sound jer die direct. Tapi gua rase, kalau gua buat cmtuh mungkin die akan lebih menjauhi islam. Ataupunnn, mungkin die amalkann islam sebab terpakse!

Kita wajib explain kat orang2 atheist nih. Sebab kita nak membahaskan dan membuktikann yang tuhann tuh betul2 wujud! Kalau tak boleh nak explain, means kita gagal nak buktikan kewujudan tuhann! Aint it? Jadi, gua harap lu orang bile bace, boleh tolong kasi comment. Kasi idea2 yang bernas cmne kite nak confront dengan orang2 cmnih!

Cheers

Friday 18 February 2011

Blow me!

Alright!

Gua berpesta sakann jap dari mengupdate blog sebab arsenal baru menang lawan barcelona! Fullawehh. Gua rase bukannn selalu arsenal menang! Tengok stats punn cam gampang. Atas kertas memang probability nak menang tuh takde langsung! Alhamdulillah menang gakk. Hehe Tapi tatau lagi nasib kat nou camp nanti cmne. Fabregas, mintak buat semayang hajat sebelum main kat nou camp nanti. Hahaha

Satu fakta yang gua nak share skett ngn lu orang! Semalam gua pegi kelas. Then ade satu fact yang gua baruu tahuuu! Pemain2 bola kat Premier League nih kannn, bile dorang sign contract nak jadi player untuk satu2 kelab tuh. Ade satu clause yang tulis pasal gaji yang dorang terima berjuta2 tuh adalah gaji bersih yang dorang dapat after deduct tax!

"Memang kayeeee cam gampannnng!" Gua cakapp! Hehe

Orang2 yang bekerja kat UK sume kene tax around 20-40%. Tapi dalam ramai2 pemain bola nih, sorang jer tak bape nak nasib baik sangat lahh. Pemain arsenal, Andrei Arshavin, die dapat gaji before tax. Maknenye, die kene bayar tax lahh lepas dapat gaji!


Kalau gua jadi Arshavin, mamposssss gua tanak score goal itu hari. Lu kasi gaji orang lain sume gaji bersih. Gaji gua kene bayar tax sampai 40%. Gua main same jerr, penat2, injured bagai. Mane hak keistimewaan gua sebagai rakyat bumiputera??

Alright, habis sesi fakta untuk harinih. Harinih gua nak share lagi few jokess! Semoga terhiburr~

**********


A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed bloke carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the lad. "If I could take a couple of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" Said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

As she closed the door, the lad quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, duck, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


Nota kaki

  • Bloke - man
  • Duck - Panggilann macam love, dear, beb, dohh, bro et cetera.

*********

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said,

"Judge, when I put a quid in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine??"

Tuesday 15 February 2011

Crap!


Gua dah lame sangat tak online, check blog. Jadi harinih, kite start ngn lawak2 bangang omputih alright? Hehe

**********

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

Ehsan Google
"What do I do if she's ugly?" Says Andy, "I'll stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry mate." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy is about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts,

"Aaauuuggghhh!"

P/S : Lu orang nak kalau nak carik pasangan, biar yang sekufu! Hehe

**********

An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spot the perfect rugs and walked over to inspect it.


As she bends to feel the texture of the rugs she farted loudly.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

"Ma'am," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap when you hear the price!"